I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
