god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
