im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
