just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Randomize
