How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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