you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
