it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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