The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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