She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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