He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
