My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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