shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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