I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
