Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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