This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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