You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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