The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
