but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
