You just made me feel so damn special
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
