I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
