we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
