Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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