You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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