I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
FUCK WHALES
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