the condom got lost in my hair
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
