The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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