I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
