Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
