You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
