I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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