i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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