I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
