Is it because I queefed?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
