just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
