Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
