I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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