Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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