ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
