do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
