Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
