I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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