my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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