What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
