I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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