Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
