i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
