i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
