Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
