i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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