There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
