I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
