They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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